Monday, April 5, 2010

Welcome Home Avalina Elise…. Days 0-3

So here we are, baby number 5 making us a proud family of 7. New Moms whether they are bringing home baby number 1, 6 or 8 all go through some form of Baby Blues. For each woman it is very different. For a lot of women each child brings about their own set of fears, wishes or wants. For me, I have had the same sadness for my last 2. I find it very hard at times to comfort myself this time though, even though I know it is what is best for all concerned.

When we brought our beautiful little Stella home 2 years ago, she was our last child. I knew that after having 4 Patrick and I would not “try” anymore. I was a wreck thinking that my baby days were over for good. Then, two years later, by some sort of miracle and not for trying, we discovered that baby Ava was on her way. Number 5, a blessed miracle in her own regard. After the shock and awe wore off I was secretly giddy at being pregnant again. My days weren’t over after all, I had one more shot at feeling those feelings and reliving those experiences. I was going to make this one count, and I really think I did, but right now 9 months, as long as it seemed on Thursday, just doesn’t seem long enough.

I know for some women it is a relief to know that they are done being pregnant because they detested being pregnant. Trust me; I was NOT a good pregnant woman with any of my babies. This time though, I was very Zen...I enjoyed feeling her move around in me, I enjoyed growing this tiny human. I appreciated the changes my body was making to accommodate a baby, and thankfully for Patrick, I really didn’t complain all that much. I truly enjoyed being pregnant until the very end. In the end I realized that my pregnancy was taking a toll on my younger 2 children. I couldn’t keep up with them I couldn’t play with them like I had been earlier in my pregnancy, I was just sooo tired. It was then that I realized that I may just be past a good age to be pregnant.

I was A.M.A., in some practices that’s what they call you, Advanced Maternal Age. At others they call you Geriatric Pre-Natal or Elderly. I am 35. I also had to deal with the fact that my Nurse Midwives who had seen me through my other 4 pregnancies were no longer practicing due to cutbacks and insurance issues. My 2 biggest fears, having a Dr. I didn’t know and not being able to get an epidural! Well, luckily for me the Dr I had even though I hadn’t met him was wonderful and the epidural was just fine. My labor was so fast though. Not at all what I had had with my last 2 and that has left me feeling a little jipped. Patrick and I had had such amazing connections during those hours walking the halls. Going through the pain of labor together, as one. This all adds to me thinking my child bearing days are over and done.

Its scary for me. I love having babies, I love what they add to our family, I love connecting with my husband in that way. I am devastated to know that this phase of my life is over. Then there is the optimistic side of me really trying to pull through all of these thoughts. It really is reminding me that things change usually for the better. I had extremely wonderful and uplifting moments not being pregnant. My husband and I have one of those scary amazing relationships in which we connect often. So why am I so down about all of this? Time will tell, in the mean time I am enjoying this beautiful little baby that has chosen us as her parents. I owe it to her to be the best mom I can be, and I intend to be.

I plan to go through the next 60 days (hopefully more) of Ava’s new life as well as managing a house of 7. So check back.

1 comment:

  1. Words cannot express... <3 sharing life/space/time with you.