The Great Formula Debate

It has been an age since I have blogged. Mostly due to the craziness of kids schedules, our schedules, but also because this topic was very sensitive to me. Actually, it is very sensitive to a lot of people. I never really knew what an amazing debate this was. I just really thought that it was a matter of preference and that you just had people on both sides of the playing field, kind of like political associations. Little did I know how passionately people felt about how they feed their infants/babies & how strongly they felt about how I chose to feed my child. I have found that Linus from the classic Peanuts movie, The Great Pumpkin, has left out a topic in what is not to be discussed amongst friends, Politics, Religion, Breastfeeding vs Formula and The Great Pumpkin!

So, from the time Ava was born she was on the tiny side. She was 7lbs when she was born but she dropped down significantly from the time we left the hospital and it seemed that we were having a real problem keeping her gaining weight. She was gaining too little between visits, off the charts low. In July we were so excited because she had finally gained the correct amount in the 2 weeks between appointments, we didn’t have to be seen for 4 weeks! Well, within those 4 weeks she did not gain one ounce. She was getting taller, her head was gaining girth but she was this tiny little string bean.

Breastfeeding and I have always had a love hate relationship. I love the nutrients it gives my child, I love the closeness it fosters between mother child, the added brain power that it gives a child, I love the calories it takes to breastfeed a child therefore, helping me lose weight (Hey, at least I am honest!) and I love the money it

saves us from buying formula. The actual act of breastfeeding though I have never been good at, thus making me hate the actual act. It can be painful, inconvenient (everything is timed around babies feeding schedules) and because I worry about making others uncomfortable I would leave a crowded room to breastfeed, making me feel like I was missing out on things. Its been really annoying, something that cave-women did I struggle and have struggled to do with all of my children. I have tried lactation consultants, changing my diet, fenu-greek, milk tea, homeopathic remedies, other moms advice, acupuncture, chiropractics, everything. Within about 4 months my milk supply starts to dwindle and my children either get very cranky and upset constantly or they start losing weight. The latter is what always scares me. Well, the doctors scare the hell out of me. They start throwing terms around like, “Failure to Thrive” , that usually involves a visit from Children and Youth Services. Not good times. So we have made the decision each time to supplement with formula and each time it has gotten harder and harder for me to do.

I went into this pregnancy and birth determined I was going to breastfeed Ava until she was a year at least. I had a great support system from other moms, since I worked I did a ton of research on how to make sure that I had a good milk supply in the freezer. I had a great system down but in the back of my mind there was some doubt. I knew something wasn’t quite right. She ate all of the time, and she would spit up huge amounts after each feeding. Back to research I

went, I took her to doctors, they put her on zantac, it was still not enough.

When we finally had to come to the decision to supplement Ava, it was because she was in a dangerous weight for her age and length. She was 5 months old and looked 3 months old, a friend of mine had had a baby 2 months after me and her daughter was giving mine hand-me-downs! Both Patrick and I were scared. Ava was also still waking up about 6 times a night to eat. I would pump and bottle feed so that I could see how much she was getting at each feeding. The spitting up was horrible and constant and nothing seemed to be working. So, we had to try the one thing we hadn’t tried, formula with a high rice starch content. I would breastfeed her and then give her a bottle. Within 2 weeks she was slowly gaining weight. The thing that I noticed that even though she was still spitting up, she was spitting up worse after being breastfed. I kept this up for a month and then moved her 100% to formula. She is now finally on the charts, for weight, just barely but she is there. She is a tiny 14 pounds at 7 months old.

I was met with a lot of eye rolling and a lot of people telling me to not listen to my doctor about supplementing. I was also met with people passive aggressively attacking me with their opinions on the decisions I made. Others weren’t so passive and just flat out told me I had made a very big mistake in supplementing Ava. It was then that I realized how sensitive this topic was. Usually, I just let things like this roll off my back. We have a very opinionated family, and even though I have very strong feelings about this and that, I really do try hard to acknowledge everyone’s opinion and not push mine on people. Everyone is entitled right? Here is the problem, these comments and opinions hurt me, cut me to the core. I was a mess.

I felt like such a failure. What a horrible feeling this was. It was determined that my breastmilk did not contain enough fat for Ava. So here are both sides of the coin. In one instance, I felt very selfish because here is my gorgeous baby girl that depends on me to keep her safe and fed, and I couldn’t naturally do that. I was selfish from the stand point that I continued to breastfeed her even though I knew that something wasn’t quite right. As I mentioned before, the calories being burned and the money saved were also wonderful bonuses of breastfeeding as well. Then on the other side of the coin was that I was inadequate to feed my child. My body wasn’t only not producing enough milk but the milk that it was producing was not high enough in fat. So in short, in my mind, I was inadequate and a failure when it came to one of the most natural things a mother can do, and people had no problem telling me so.

I have formula fed all of my children at different stages in their early lives and it still is not right with me. I feel like I have totally let them down, that somehow, I cheated them out of something. It hurts, a lot. I am envious of mothers that can breastfeed for long periods of time. Sure I have a opinions on when a child should be weaned but I keep those to myself, that is for a mother to decide and it does absolutely no good to push those thoughts on anyone else. It is interesting though to look at the social ramifications that we encounter on the topic. I know there are certain that people look down at me when I start shaking up Ava’s bottle. For a long time it was a dirty little secret, I hid formula cans in the back of my store or would pre make bottles and then just heat them up. I was still so disgusted with myself and mad at myself for being inadequate. Honestly though, I did this to keep the scrutiny at bay.

Over the last 2 months, with the help of my wonderful husband I have come to terms with our decisions. Had this been before the days of formula, Ava may have died. A lot of babies did

before formula was available. So of course I am really very happy that we had that option. As she gets older it does become a little easier knowing that she is only a few months away from being able to drink cow’s milk. Really, she is none worse for wear, she is very happy, barely spits up any more and finally is filling out her clothes! One thing this situation has reminded me though is that it is important not judge a person because you never know what they are going through. Keep your mind open.

The Weight of Breastfeeding

Avalina Elise

Days 10-13

So, because I am being completely honest here, or at least trying to be, I have to dedicate a moment or two to one of my faults, vanity. I am totally vain when it comes to my weight. I think for me it was something that was instilled in me when I was younger. I was a size 0-2 for many many years. Not that I was the healthiest of people at that weight and please don’t think that my goal is to get back to that. I am being realistic! Although, it would be pretty awesome! Of course as you get older you put on more weight and when you are older and having babies it gets harder and harder to lose your baby weight. I am truly blessed though, my body tends to bounce back pretty quickly from having babies, however, I always get stuck with 8-10 pounds to lose that just seems impossible to get rid of. (When you are 5 feet tall this can show A LOT)Which is what I am faced with now and to make matters worse, there is a family wedding coming up very fast! Of course there are pressures, in my own mind, to look as I did before I was pregnant for that. AHHHHH! I am breastfeeding, which so helps with the initial weight loss, but after a while you plateau and you have to keep your calories up in order to provide the sufficient nutrients your baby needs…..I can’t start running yet, maybe in another week. So mentally, it is messing with me a little bit. SO, on top of the baby blues I am now having this that I have decided to deal with. Good Times! Say a prayer for my kids and Patrick…They totally need it!

So breastfeeding, some people LOVE it, some people HATE it. My experiences have lead me to fall somewhere in between. Vanity speaking, I LOVE that it burns so many calories with very little effort. I HATE that I have yet to have a baby latch correctly, so I have had the sorest boobs ever! This makes it a less than a wonderful experience. I am the type of person that I don’t mind breastfeeding, but I am very self conscious of how other people feel about it. I usually go into another room or into a bathroom if we are out so that I don’t make other people uncomfortable. I am pumping but with all of my kids I have had a strict no bottles until 4 weeks old. We have made some exceptions but its usually right around that 4 week mark. So feeling like I am missing something is usually a factor. This is the first time that I have incorporated pumping into my whole breastfeeding routine. I have always tried to add it later and it has never worked out for me. So, I decided to try something new. So far it seems to be working pretty well. I was inspired by a friend of mine that has about a gagillion ounces pumped. There will be more than enough for her daughter to make it through her 20^th birthday. Can you tell I have pumping envy? My problem has always been that around months 4-8 I don’t produce as much milk as is needed for my babies to feel full. So I end up supplementing, which makes me feel like I am cheating them out of something, not to mention its really expensive! So I am hoping that pumping 4-5oz a day (this is nothing compared to my friends 12oz in a sitting!) will help me out when I hit that 4 month mark. That is if I don’t use it all for date nights!

Ava is just such an easy baby. She has a pretty good schedule now, she still sleeps a lot during the day and is a cluster feeder between 6pm & 11pm. This actually works out really well for our family, although it does ground us a little in the evenings. She has her 2 week appointment next week so we will see what happens with that.

My family is/has adjusted pretty well. My Littles are still little tsunamis that run through the house destroying everything in their path. The highlight of their destruction has been Patrick’s coveted Plumeria tree that he has been growing for the last 4 years. Dirt & leaves EVERYWHERE!! Hopefully it has been saved and is now on top of the island. However, when Avalina is around they are the most precious little mothers. Celeste is actually getting better and Stella worse. We are hoping that we can start potty training them both soon. Hmmmm that should be fun! Me, I am doing ok, I am still having moments of weepy times but not for any particular reason. I am still freaked out by social situations I have to work on that. There will be more soon. Be Well!

Timely "Episodes"

Avalina Elise

Days 7-10

I think it is absolutely amazing how quickly 10 days can go by when you have a newborn. I just want to make time stop so that I can catch my breath. I am quickly learning that with a family that has 5 children time can be a reclusive cousin that you only see once every 10-15 years! There are those moments though, as few as they are where time does stand still and you realize that life is truly good.

Ava, is a great baby. I hate to brag, but I will she is amazing. She does everything a newborn should do, she eats, sleeps, poops, & cries only when one of the other things is affecting her. She is filling out although her legs are SO skinny! Right now she is all legs and she has the longest fingers I have ever seen on an infant. Perhaps she will be the concert pianist that Patrick has always wanted. Only time will tell…There’s that word again, time.

Nothing really crazy has happened in the last 3 days, unless of course you consider my “episode” as note worthy news. I am an extremely outgoing person. I LOVE meeting new people and I adore being invited to parties and hanging out with friends, showing off my family and just having a really good time in general. Apparently this is true for all times except 8 days after having a baby. We were invited to a party on Saturday for one of our dear friends’ birthdays. They are very chill and lovely people and their friends really do reflect that. They were cooking out, there were kids there my kids’ age, and there was Frisbee and a huge yard for the kids to run around in, sounds like the makings of a very relaxing and beautiful time right? Well, apparently miss social butterfly, aka me, could not handle all the people. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. One minute I am sitting there having a conversation, the next minute I am having full blown panic attacks because I can't figure out how to get my entire family together in the case that aliens start attacking! Ok maybe that’s a little over the top but you get the idea. I was a wreck an absolute wreck. What was also interesting were people were saying “I can’t believe you’re here”. In my paranoia that made me question if I had done something wrong by coming. I know now that there was absolutely nothing hidden in that statement, people just couldn’t believe that I was brave enough (ha ha) to commit to a party like that. The truth was, I had no business being there. My psyche is still way to fragile to be exposed to a group of people that I hardly know. Luckily, there were 4 good friends there to keep me from completely jumping out of my skin, my kids had an absolute blast, and I got to be a part of the celebration. Those were the positives that came out of it. Still, as soon as I was in the safe hold of my home and my kids were happily playing the backyard and sweet Ava was asleep, I cried my eyes out for about 45 minutes. My poor poor amazingly supportive husband had to endure it, this was a rough one. There was really no rhyme nor reason to the tears, just a little embarrassment, a thought of will I ever be back to my old self again, and am I now the laughing stock of all our friends because I made a poor choice. Goodness, I hope not!

Here is the deal though, I think a lot of times new moms are terrified that they are going to miss out on something because we just had a baby and our obligation is to that baby. Yet, we forget that we also have an obligation to keep ourselves sane as well. I have to tell myself that it is ok to sit out of some parties, its ok not to be in the center of everything. If you know me, you know that is very, very hard for me! Does this go deeper though? Perhaps it does. Another issue of having a larger family is not being included in things that we were once included in. Lets face it, if you invite our family over we are a party in and of ourselves. When you include us in a party setting, you are inviting 7 people, that’s a lot. I understand that but over the last few years I have noticed our dance card has not been as full as it once was, and when you are as social as Patrick and I are it can be a little hard to take at times. So maybe, that had a little something to do with my snap decision on Saturday to attend that party. Not only did I not want to miss out on being a part of the celebration but I also wanted to feel included.

In the end though, the positives of having a larger family, in my mind, definitely outweigh the negatives. It all goes back to those moments that stop time and you know that you are truly blessed and you are doing exactly what you should be doing.

Welcome Home Avalina Elise…. Days 0-3

So here we are, baby number 5 making us a proud family of 7. New Moms whether they are bringing home baby number 1, 6 or 8 all go through some form of Baby Blues. For each woman it is very different. For a lot of women each child brings about their own set of fears, wishes or wants. For me, I have had the same sadness for my last 2. I find it very hard at times to comfort myself this time though, even though I know it is what is best for all concerned.

When we brought our beautiful little Stella home 2 years ago, she was our last child. I knew that after having 4 Patrick and I would not “try” anymore. I was a wreck thinking that my baby days were over for good. Then, two years later, by some sort of miracle and not for trying, we discovered that baby Ava was on her way. Number 5, a blessed miracle in her own regard. After the shock and awe wore off I was secretly giddy at being pregnant again. My days weren’t over after all, I had one more shot at feeling those feelings and reliving those experiences. I was going to make this one count, and I really think I did, but right now 9 months, as long as it seemed on Thursday, just doesn’t seem long enough.

I know for some women it is a relief to know that they are done being pregnant because they detested being pregnant. Trust me; I was NOT a good pregnant woman with any of my babies. This time though, I was very Zen...I enjoyed feeling her move around in me, I enjoyed growing this tiny human. I appreciated the changes my body was making to accommodate a baby, and thankfully for Patrick, I really didn’t complain all that much. I truly enjoyed being pregnant until the very end. In the end I realized that my pregnancy was taking a toll on my younger 2 children. I couldn’t keep up with them I couldn’t play with them like I had been earlier in my pregnancy, I was just sooo tired. It was then that I realized that I may just be past a good age to be pregnant.

I was A.M.A., in some practices that’s what they call you, Advanced Maternal Age. At others they call you Geriatric Pre-Natal or Elderly. I am 35. I also had to deal with the fact that my Nurse Midwives who had seen me through my other 4 pregnancies were no longer practicing due to cutbacks and insurance issues. My 2 biggest fears, having a Dr. I didn’t know and not being able to get an epidural! Well, luckily for me the Dr I had even though I hadn’t met him was wonderful and the epidural was just fine. My labor was so fast though. Not at all what I had had with my last 2 and that has left me feeling a little jipped. Patrick and I had had such amazing connections during those hours walking the halls. Going through the pain of labor together, as one. This all adds to me thinking my child bearing days are over and done.

Its scary for me. I love having babies, I love what they add to our family, I love connecting with my husband in that way. I am devastated to know that this phase of my life is over. Then there is the optimistic side of me really trying to pull through all of these thoughts. It really is reminding me that things change usually for the better. I had extremely wonderful and uplifting moments not being pregnant. My husband and I have one of those scary amazing relationships in which we connect often. So why am I so down about all of this? Time will tell, in the mean time I am enjoying this beautiful little baby that has chosen us as her parents. I owe it to her to be the best mom I can be, and I intend to be.

I plan to go through the next 60 days (hopefully more) of Ava’s new life as well as managing a house of 7. So check back.